I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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