guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
