fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
