When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
