my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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