pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
