I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
dude i'm inner monologue high
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
