Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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