Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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