why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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