cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
