Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
