Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
