my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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