I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
