I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
