It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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