ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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