They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
