We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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