apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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