his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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