I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
