i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
