we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
