I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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