You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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