Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
