I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
