he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
