yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
