Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
