You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
