then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
