She's JV to your varsity
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
