I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
