You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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