If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
