It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm just crazy horny about you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
