So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
