so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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