I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
