I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
