Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
