Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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