i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
