saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
