Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
