you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
