He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
3 2 1 whiskey
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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