I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
