when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im six kinds of drunk right now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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