so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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