I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
