I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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