phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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